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 Post subject: Doctor Jokes!
 Post Posted: Fri Feb 17, 2006 4:11 am 

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Owe, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ouch, even THAT hurts", she cried.
The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis; "You have a broken finger."

Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot.

The horrified nurse said, "Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?"

The lady said, "My phone doesn't have an eleven."

 Post subject: Real Medical Quotes
 Post Posted: Sat Feb 18, 2006 4:23 am 
Real Medical Quotes

The following quotes were lifted verbatim
from the medical records of a general hospital in a large metropolitan area:

"Patient has been married twice, but denies any other serious illnesses."

"This 54-year old female is complaining of abdominal cramps with BMs on one hand and constipation on the other."

Dictated: "Patient had a Pap smear today" - Transcribed: "Patient had a
Pabst Beer today."

"Patient experiences difficulty swallowing tires easily."

"History: Patient was shot in the head with .34 caliber rifle.
Chief Complaint, Headache."

"Patient was struck by an auto while she was walking across the street at
approximately 45 miles per hour."

"The left leg became numb at times, and she walked it off."

"Skin somewhat pale but present."

"The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor."

"Coming from Detroit, Michigan, this man has no children."

"If he squeezes the back of his neck for 4 to 5 years it comes and goes."

"Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old white male, mentally alert but

"The patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year."

"On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it had
completely disappeared."

"By the time she was admitted to the hospital, her rapid heart had stopped,
and she was feeling much better."

"Discharge status: Alive but without permission."

"At the time of onset of pregnancy, the mother was undergoing bronchoscopy."

"When you pin him down, he has some slowing of the steam."

 Post subject: More Doctor Jokes
 Post Posted: Sat Feb 18, 2006 4:38 am 
The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated:
"I'm afraid we're going to have to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you."
"Well, if it's just because of them, I'd rather pay for them if you just
leave me alone."

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.
"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."

"Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade."
"Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you done anything yet ?"
"Yea, I shaved with the electric razor."

"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!"
"Do you drink a lot?"
"Not really - I spill most of it!"

"Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?"
"Yes, of course..."
"Great! I never could before!"

 Post subject:
 Post Posted: Wed Aug 22, 2007 6:33 pm 

Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2007 8:25 pm
Posts: 2
After an accident, a woman stepped forward and prepared to help the victim. She was asked to step aside by a man who announced, "Step back please! I’ve had a course in first aid and I’m trained in CPR."

The woman watched his procedures for a few moments, then tapped him on the shoulder. "When you get to the part about calling a doctor," she said, "I’m already here."

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